i've been thinking about how to let someone out of my mind. out of my life.
i was in deep despair, beneath this complicate-mind-palace of mine. i want to let things go. some things from the past. i really, really want to forget about how things happened, how we met that day, how i let myself high of his presence, everything. there were times when i kept myself away from everyone, cause i'm too tired to interact with people.
they are cruel creatures.
i thought about how people could come and go and brought feeling and gave hatred. i hate people as i hate myself. cause i'm also those people. so, i less my activity towards people, let myself become an introvert (like i should do), stayed at home instead of everything that happened outside the windows. i was too afraid to enjoy my day cause it may go away and become a memory. a happy memory, yet leaving sorrowful feeling. i didn't want to enjoy things like these anymore.
he was my ecstasy.
i always had those overwhelming feelings every time he was around. he was my energy, my mood booster, but at the same time he made me crave another energy. i'd never had enough of him. his smile, his laugh, his being himself, his way of thinking, his way of life. i love him cause he made me realize that being myself is easy, he was my half-soul.
i got too attached of him.
i knew we couldn't be together. no matter how i tried and no matter how exciting events would happened toward us, he made me realize that we were one, but will never be together. do you know how i felt when he made me came to face the reality of not being with the one i love?
it was awful.
not a single day i lived the way of life like i used to. i was gloomy, faked face all the time just to make sure that no one could ever know how i felt about it. it was on December 2015 that i came to accepted these reality. i lost. i lost my mind and my heart. he was far that day, and he was much far when you realized that he could enjoy his day apart from me. and i lost for knowing that time was ticking, people kept on moving forward, and i was wasting my time with someone that i had delusion with.
no, he didn't do harm to me.
he was enjoying his moments to its fullest, while i was back in Lampung and there wasn't any excitement nor things to be talked to. it was the hardest day of my life and i didn't have my love one to make me at ease. and i got my insecurity that day, when a friend of mine called me and said things about him being "mingle-ing" with other girl. what am i supposed to do? cry?
we never had an agreement of being a couple.
we had a crush on each other and we just followed the route without any plan ahead. it was the happiest of my life when your one-sided crush back than in 2013 had the same feelings with you. it was really, really my happiest of all time. and after all this time, i made a decision to stay apart from him. cause of my insecurity, my anxiety and my demon knew that it will became the darkest day of mine, if i kept this feelings devour my mind.
it's hurt.
even after 9 months never had any real conversation, i thought that God was giving me another torture in life. we got together in 1 hospital. it's just for 2 weeks, but i thought that it will surely kill me slowly but sure. have you ever imagine how my migraine got worst every night, every time i close my eyes just to rewinding our time together? it was a nightmare.
how can i see him in the eye?
how can i react for his being?
he will be there.
we will be in the same room, same environment.
and that moment came and i knew that this feeling never gone.
he is my half soul.
i keep on having those overwhelming feelings every time he is around. he is my energy, my mood booster, and still, at the same time he make me crave another energy. i will never have enough of him. his smile, his laugh, his being himself, his way of thinking, his way of life. i love him cause he make me realize that being myself is easy, he is (still) my half-soul.
and after all this time, seeing his smile is still be my favorite ecstasy.
i wish we could be together. if only i could.
but seeing you smile, (i think) is enough for me.
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