i need your help

i wonder how did i end up making this kind of blog. i'm no good at writing tho. but i always wonder how it feels like to type on your keyboard and start to tell the world about everything, anything. even the tiny little piece of sh*t of my ordinary life. i want to share it.

i do realize that i am an introvert person. being alone, but not a loner. my room is the best place for me to stay away from everything. locked myself in my room, turn on the laptop, gather my drawing utensils or play with my phone. i could gain so many information, so many experiences when i am alone. i like it that way. i am no center of gravity for lot of people. i don't have that trait.

being with myself always make me realize so many thing. introspection is the first thing i do when i am alone. close my eyes, think about how i spent my entire day and how i grateful for being alive. so many sorrow and pain, yet so many beautiful things hidden in every side. my point of view has been narrowed from the hard part into the important thing. for me, being able to see, to feel, is the best thing i will never ask more. God give me this big heart of mine to make me realize that i am a living being, born to feel that kind of sorrow and embrace every happiness. yes, i am sentimental, i am.

just about this afternoon, i told my friend about me hate the fact that i'm such a sentimental girl. i do hate it, for the fact that i reach every conclusion with only feelings. i got over sympathy with anything. but, when i feel like other people don't give me that kind of sympathy, i feel so hurt. i expect too much from other people. and again i realize i'm being to dependable. i can't be alone, but i love being alone. this two kinds of dilemma is killing me.

sometimes i think that i had Bipolar Disorder. there was this time that i hyped so much, laughed like there's no tomorrow, let the feelings flow out from my body and exhausted myself for laughing out loud. but, on the next minute i can be that silent-person. ignoring the world, even my friend just because i don't wanna be interrupted or annoyed by their presence. i feel scared and lonely at the same time. it is a disaster for me.

anyway, i think for today that i just wanna share about it. because really, i am lost here. i don't know what to do. i have this kind of trust issues, so maybe that's why i post it here hope that any stranger or someone who know how i feel to give me any comment or advise for me.

thankyou.


love, Dee